i'm trying to find god everywhere

god is a sun shower, a picture of a cat, a smile from a friend

life has been kind to me, recently. i am where i’ve always wanted to be- maybe not exactly but close enough where it feels true. everything feels divine, like it’s happening for a reason. like i’m on a path taking me where i am supposed to go. even my worst moments feel heavenly, like they are trials where only love can prevail. i feel a sense of spirituality, of a holy force all around me. i haven’t always felt this way.

i’ve been really interested in religious imagery. not really in the sense that i fully follow it, not that i feel religious in one particular sect. more in the way that i find it fascinating, moving even, that an image could mean so much to so many people. that an image is a symbol of connection, of hope, of love. it’s not one particular religion, or one particular culture that draws me in. it’s the sense that this is all unity. that this is all purpose. that this is all love.

i’m trying to find god everywhere. i walked outside this morning and it was raining, fully sunny. it was strange, but beautiful. it hadn’t been raining before, and it stopped raining after just a minute. it was a little sun shower, just for me. a little bit of holy water, sprinkled on me by the sky. i felt cleansed.

there’s this store near the park we go to. it has milagros from mexico and silver sacred hearts and prayer cards. my favorite is the retablos, made by lynn garlick. they’re tiny little wooden pieces with inscriptions on the back. i have four of them now, two that i always carry with me and two that live in my room. the two i carry with me are saint gertrude of nivelles (meant to watch over your cat) and francis de sales (for writers, publishers, and editors).

my favorites, though, are the angels. i hold the angel of sacred friendship and the angel of peace.

inscription on the angel of peace:

“may all creatures, great and small, know for a moment in this life, the sacred place inside themselves where there is no more hungry beast to feed, but only peace and joy expanding.”

there is a place inside of you in which there is no more “hungry beast to feed”. isn’t that beautiful. the idea that we can just be at peace, divinely guided. to know that we ourselves contain the possibility for simple joy and contentment. to just exist, as ourselves, out of love.

inscription on the angel of sacred friendship:

“you have given me a friend who knows me as you do, and i know her, and i know him, the same. here is communion in the garden of the soul & strength angelic on our way. by this love, one for the other, a sun rises in my heart, & in that light i see my goodness as i see my friends’s. we travel not alone the winding journey home.”

“we travel not alone the winding journey home.” this means many things to me, both literal and figurative. we are all heading home, in one way or another. whatever home means to you. but we don’t have to find it alone. i’ve written extensively about friendship and the love that exists within it. it is beautiful to know that there is a force so powerful, so guiding. that we can just be, together.

yesterday my best friend and i spent the day in the starland district. we went to the farmer’s market in the morning, then a second-hand art supply store, some thrift stores, another market, a record store, a photo booth. we walked around and took in the beauty of savannah on a saturday morning.

our favorite spot was a vintage shop we stopped in to- we tried on fancy dresses and i bought silver bangle bracelets and a faded red t-shirt from the seventies. my favorite thing there, though, was a table with boxes of old photos and maps and papers. i sat that for a good half hour, digging through the memories of people long gone. there were travel brochures and christmas cards and typewriter itineraries. photos of dancers and production playbills and business cards. i took home a two page itinerary for someone’s trip to europe in 1994, a photo of a cat drinking from a bathroom faucet, a cursive letter about someone’s son, and a particularly religious christmas card with a long message about love on the front.

i collaged these papers on the wall next to my desk. it’s become a little shrine, of sorts. people that i don’t know, that i’ll never know, that have a special place in my heart. it’s weirdly comforting to be connected to memories that aren’t mine.

in addition to these papers, i have a silver sacred heart hanging over my bed, next to a card of saint teresa. it reads on the back,

“let nothing disturb you. let nothing affright you. all things are passing: god does not change. patience achieves all things. whoever has god wants for nothing. god alone suffices.”

god is many things. god means many things to many people. none of those definitions are any more important than another. they are all different, and yet they are all really the same.

i’ll tell you what god is to me.

god is a sun shower. god is an early morning drive. god is a picture of a cat you’ve never met. god is a knowing smile from a friend. god is a sunset. god is a fresh baked croissant. god is a memory that isn’t yours, but one that you still cherish. god is the grass at the park. god is a hot cup of coffee. god is taking a bug outside instead of squashing it. god is a hug from your mother. god is a hug from anyone, really. god is swimming in the ocean. god is a farmer’s market. god is a piece of sterling silver shaped like a heart. god is knowing that you will be okay. god is a place you can rest. god is the universe. god is love. god is you.

as someone who didn’t have a truly religious upbringing, god was something i found for myself. it doesn’t have to look like this for you. i do think that it is special, though, to have something you believe in. whether it’s traditional or spiritual or mundane- we all need something we’re looking for everywhere. love is what pulls us together. hold onto it.